


Roadkill Money (is all bullshit)

by orphan_account



Series: Kyman Week 2018 [3]
Category: South Park
Genre: Action, Bank Robbery, Basically this is your typical Michael Bay movie mixed with Mad Max lol, Bickering, Blood and Violence, Car Chases, Crimes & Criminals, Day 3: Teamwork, Explosions, Gun fights, Hehehe, Kyman Week, M/M, Rough Kissing, There's a twist at the end though, Where the main four are bank robbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 23:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15157955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Reality is a funny thing. As they were speeding down the road at eighty miles an hour, guns blaring in their ears, all that Kyle could think was this:How did they even get here?





	Roadkill Money (is all bullshit)

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3: Teamwork

Reality is a funny thing. As they were speeding down the road at eighty miles an hour, guns blaring in their ears, all that Kyle could think was this:  
  
How did they even get here?

Time moved in slow motion. Bullets whizzed past Kyle's head, shattering holes through the glass windshield as the car sped on the black asphalt below. In front, he could hear Stan cussing like his life depended on it at the wheel, covered in the blood spraying from Kenny's mutilated head.  
  
Then, everything sped up up.  
  
"Ahhhh! Motherfucker, they killed Kenny!"  
  
"Those bastards! I'm gonna blow their brains out!" Kyle leaned out of the window, taking potshots at the cop cars chasing them down. When he ran out of bullets, his head of red hair came back in to look for more ammo, only to find that Cartman was hogging all of it.  
  
"Fatass! Give me the fucking ammo!"  
  
"You can suck my balls, Kahl, you've got shitty aim, you'll just waste 'em all- ahh!"  
  
Kyle tugged Cartman back inside the car, saving him from meeting the same fate as Kenny via .44. He grabbed him by the lapels of his tacky dollar store Hawaiian shirt, shaking the brunet with all his might. "Goddamnit Cartman, I don't have time for this-"  
  
"Jesus, fahne, here." Cartman tossed a few bullets Kyle's way, who quickly loaded them up in his gun. Before either of them could get back to putting the cops under fire, however, Stan interrupted their little spat. "Uh, guys, are you watching the money?"  
  
"Why would we need to watch the money, Stan? It's safe in the trunk-"  
  
"Then why am I seeing it all come flying out behind us in the rear-view mirror?"  
  
Indeed, as Kyle turned his head, the hood of the trunk was flipped open, with large, black bags falling out of it.  
  
Cartman shouted, "Oh, great work, Stan! You had one fucking job! One fucking job! We spent months planning this bitch of a heist, and you go and forget to close the damn trunk!" He enunciated every point with a shot,  blowing out one of the cop's tires. "Now we've gone and lost all our fucking hard earned cash, and it's all because you're a shitty getaway driver! Kenny's fucking rolling in his grave right now, I swear-"  
  
"Cartman, shut up." Kyle hissed, wincing as one of the bullets nearly grazed his skin. "We can still get it back."  
  
At this, he turned to him with an incredulous look on his face.  
  
"Fucking how, Kahl? How? The cops are on our tail-" As he said this, Cartman ducked his head, dodging the lead that flew by. "-and this rusting pile of junk-"  
  
"Hey!" Stan yelled, "I'll have you know that this pile of junk has gotten out of more hairy situations than you can count-"  
  
"Whateva! No one cares about the lusty boner you're popping for your vehicle, Stan."  
  
"Aw, sick dude!"  
  
"Anyways, this stupid car must be going what? Seventy, eighty miles an hour? You can be thinking that we're just gonna do a U-Turn and grab the money-"  
  
"Actually, that's exactly what we're going to do."  
  
"What?"  
  
Kyle smirked. "You still got that C4 in your man purse, right."  
  
"Um, excuse you, but the 'purse' that you speak of is actually called a satchel-"  
  
Kyle groaned, rolling his eyes. "Just answer the question, Cartman? Do you, or do you not, have C4?  
  
Cartman blinked. "Yes, yes I do. Why?"  
  
As Kyle's very being buzzed with adrenaline, leaning in close, Cartman blushed.  
  
"I'm going to throw it at the cops."  
  
"What-"  
  
Faster than the blink of an eye, Kyle snatched the C4 from Cartman's bag, holding it out of the window. "Stan! When this thing hits them, I want you to turn around! Fatass, your door is on the side closest to where the bags are on the road, when we get close to them I want you to open the door and grab the money-"  
  
"The fuck-"  
  
Cartman opened his mouth in protest, but the explosion sounding off behind them cut off any chances of that. Looking at Kyle, he noticed how the sun seemed to illuminate his fiery red hair, matching the angry expression on the ginger's pink face as he shouted various expletives at the resulting blast sending their pursuers skidding off of the road in a charred blackened lump of metal and plastic. His heart was beating a thousand miles a second, and he could have sworn that he popped a semi right then and there.  
  
To be quite honest, Kyle throwing that C4 was the hottest thing that the fat brunet had ever had ever seen. It would certainly be going into his spank bank for a long time to come-  
  
"Cartman! Open the fucking door!"  
  
Snapping out of his reverie, he twisted away from Kyle, yanking the handle as the car door swung open. Ahead, he could see the bag of money coming in hot, and he knew that he would only have a moment in time before he missed his chance. Reaching out his arm, he counted in his head.  
  
One.  
  
Cartman held onto the side of the car, leaning out.  
  
Two.  
  
His hand hung over the street, fingers twitching as the white lines below morphed into a single line.  
  
Three!  
  
The handles of the bag became trapped in his iron grip, swinging back into the floor behind Stan's seat at he slammed the door shut. Breathing heavily, Cartman let out a huge laugh. "Hahahahaha! Oh fffffuck! Oh man, that- that was so fucking awesome! We did it! We- mmmphf!"

Kyle, taken in by the sheer amount of excitement and euphoric relief coloring Cartman's voice, pulled him in for a bruising kiss. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Cartman took full advantage of the situation and, grabbing Kyle by his hair, pressed his face closer as their teeth clashed. He could practically taste the blood and the fury emanating off of the ginger's saliva as their tongues battled for dominance, completely dead to the world.

Then, a bright flashing screen shone in his VR goggles, setting off fireworks and exclaiming YOU WIN in all caps.

Cartman threw off the VR set, ignoring Stan's shouts of surprise and Kenny's muffled giggling in the earpiece as he did so. Cursing up a storm, he walked to the bathroom to take care of his blue balls...

Only to find Kyle there, sitting in the bathtub, his goggles safely off to the side.

"How- how did you get here?"

Kyle tilted his head. "Reality's a funny thing, fatass. Now get in, we have unfinished business to take care of."

Cartman snickered, sidling up to the redhead.

"Oh you dirty girl~"

Gently closing the door shut, the two got back to where they were so rudely interrupted.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the little twist there. Hehehe.
> 
> Kyle I think was a bit OOC in this, but that's probably the perfectionist in me.
> 
> All in all, though, I wish you a good day~


End file.
